The Death Of A Spouse

Finally I feel the urge to share my story with a younger generation who has (probably not) shared my experience. The loss of parents, a close friend, etc. cannot compare with the loss of a spouse. I hope that some of you can benefit from my encounter and my logging it. I mean well, I assure you. I am merely a few steps ahead of you and if I can ease your pain someday with what I have to say, I will feel that I have left a positive and learning legacy.
I can make this long or short, but no matter the length, the pain would still be the same. Death is very final!
Some background information: Joe and I married later in life well past any responsibilities of children, ex-wives or any financial obligations or dependents. We were each well set financially, and comfortably retired on the Oregon Coast with a "hobby farm" over in Washington State 30 miles away, where we had a big garden each year in raised beds and an orchard that we had planted ourselves. Both Joe and I had been raised on Dairy Farms, so we were mutually connected to "the land". Our own "funny farm" has a creek on 3 sides and the town where the property is situated is "seriously" 50 years behind the times. And best of all, (according to my husband) the first town he ever ran into without a stoplight!!
Joe entered our relationship with many, many health problems.' A long list of surgeries, medications and complaints, real or imaginary. 'With each crisis, there were additional complications, there appeared to be no end to it. I adjusted, as Joe did to my deafness and my cultural difference. There was a mutual feeling of, "I can tolerate you if you can put up with me" and we did an excellent job of it. I never felt stunted or neglected in my marriage. We both worked hard on what we were handed to deal with. We were happy and had a marriage that we felt we finally deserved. We truly loved one another.
On June 2nd, 2008, we were in bed for the evening as usual. The computers had been put to sleep and we were watching, "Jon And Kate, Plus 8" on the Learning Channel. We were both chuckling at the cute antics of Jon and Kate's family of 8. Joe got out of bed, nothing unusual, to use the bathroom. Joe had undergone a colostomy in the past and used laxitives extensively, so his abrupt departures from the room was nothing new. Usually he spent some time in the bathroom, and then went to his computer to play a few games before returning to bed for the night. This was his regular routine, without fail, night after night after night.
But on this night, Joe was gone for a little too long. I peeked out at his computer, it was closed. Fearfully I entered his bathroom and found him already dead on the floor. His face was totally blue, almost black. His eyes were closed, there was no movement, no sign of breathing. He was on his side, and I tried to move him,thinking that I could use my CPR knowlege. His body was rigid, I could not move him, not even an inch.
I went downstairs to the TTY (which I had hung onto for just such emergencies), took the cover off, and my mind immediately went blank. I could not recall how to USE the tty! It had been awhile, for sure. So I went back upstairs to the regular telephone, dialed 911 and kept tapping, kept tapping, kept tapping. The police station is less than 5 minutes from our house and they were there immediately. I had left the front door unlocked for them. They rushed in, went into the bathroom and came back with the words, "He is gone!"

(To Be Continued)